The feel of your kiss...

So tell me why I've been thinking of all the good times me and the douche had? For the past few nights, before I go to bed I've been replaying all the kisses he gave me and all the sweet words he spoke to me. DAMN IT!!! I want him outta my mind, but it seems the more I try to get that to happen, the more he pops in.


My friends are trying to get to do more online dating, but it's just not me. Granted that is how I met the douche, but still lol. Obviously men like her are the type of ones that are out there doing that. Why is it so hard to just meet someone like through mutual friends or at church? But no worries, it's in God's hands.



In recent news....I've decided to go back and get my Masters in Speech Language Pathology. The bad part about it is that it will take me 4 YEARS to complete. This isn't a 'traditional' 2 years Masters program. The program my university offers is a 5 year Masters program for undergrads. So like, in 5 years, instead of getting their bachelors they'd go straight and have a Masters. And they don't offer a 'fast track' or limited course for people who already have their Bachelors. The only thing I don't have to take are my basics. UGH that sucks. There are 6 classes I have to take before I can even enter the program--2 Psych classes, Anatomy & its lab, and 2 Linguistics classes.

I'm gonna see if the neighboring university has a Speech Language Pathology Masters. Idk if I can do 4 years. That means i'll be almost 30 before i'm out of school. And what am I suppose to do about work? I've been on this teaching track, paid all this money to get my certification and am I just gonna leave it? Ahhh I don't know.

Right now i'm not trying to stress about it. Right now i'm focused on getting financial aid, If I can't get any well then it's a moot point. I'm not one to get out student loans, so maybe i'll work and slowly start working towards that Masters degree.

We'll see what happens :)

Sometimes all it takes is an 'i'm sorry.....'

So tell me why I've been looking at ol' girl's myspace trying to find out what's happening with them. Bitch says one day that she's over the douchebag, and then the next day spouts out the L-word. And now she's 'over him.' Lol.

I guess he wasn't being truthful about being 'friends.' What else is knew anyways? I told myself I wouldn't have any contact with him, but a few days ago I sent him a "hi friend" text. Still no response. Oh well, maybe that is all I needed to just let him go. I deleted anything/everything I had of him....out of sight, out of mind.

This week was Spring Break. Went up with my momma to visit my brother in Tucson. It was nice, but i'm glad to be home. I went up for a day to Scottsdale to visit one of my besties. Her boyfriend is in the minor leagues (part of the SF Giants organization) so he was in AZ for Spring Training. OMG there were HELLA cute ass dudes up there. Lord knows i'm not a fan of baseball, but I could be a fan with those fine looking men. Of course, the ones that I was attracted to the most were the Dominicans, figures! lol. My bestie was saying it was cause it's the 'best of both worlds.' IDK about all of that, but I wouldn't mind ummmm.....brushing up my Spanish with a few of them!! hahahahaa

Other than that, nothing too exciting has happened. I did do something that is completely out of the norm for myself....I apologized to someone. lol. See back in middle school and high school, I treated this girl horribly. The treatment was mutual, but to be fair, I was the one who started it. We were friends until I squashed all of that and did something really stupid in 6th grade. So tonight I apologized for all of it. It was something I had been thinking about for a few days, which isn't like me----I always tried to justify that I was 'in the right' with all the stuff I did and said to/about her. All I figure is that it was God's hand laying this guilt on my heart. So I let her know. What she does with it is all on her now.

I feel really good about it though. Maybe it's cause i'm uber sensitive, but I've always wanted people to apologize to me for the crappy things they've done to me. I guess I need to start with myself and my past actions first.

Other than that, i'm just chillin. I'm not trying to worry about work, love, anything. I'm putting it in God's hands. I heard today at church about 'God's will' being done, and how you gotta stop asking him "Lord please let [such and such] be in your will for me" and instead say "Lord whatever you have for me, I trust in you." So i'm trying to have that mentality. I can't do it on my own, so why not leave it in MUCH MUCH more capable hands?

Peace and Love my amigos.

I'm not committed....

So turns out this dude had other chicks. It all unfolded rather quickly and all on myspace!!! lol.

I left a comment on his status, and the next time I looked it was gone. I figured he deleted it so I started wondering why. I saw a comment from a girl who calls him "daddy" so I checked her page and VIOLA! pictures of them kissing and him calling her his "baby."

I finally confronted him last night/this morning after leaving not so subtle hints all over myspace. lol.

So feast your eyes on these texts....all happening this morning.

Me: FYI in case you couldn't decipher my myspace status message, I know about your girl. Why you felt you couldn't tell me or just be honest is beyond me, but whatever. Its cool.
Him: who r u talking about wow ok whatever
Me: your "baby with the softest lips"
Him: Who just say the name cause I don't know who your talking about
Me: Her name is J**** J**** (i'm omitting her name) at least that is what it says on her myspace
Him: Yeah I mean I know her and I like her but we arent talking I am not serious with anybody but if you don't feel comfortable around me then it is what it is
Him: I wasn't trying to be aggressive with you cause I know what you looking for so yeah I respected you and backed off a lil so its on you we can be friends
Him: but yeah I know her and I like her too ok
Me: So what I was looking for then? Cause backing off was definitely not it
Me: But I mean if you like her and already calling her "baby" then have fun. Its your life
Him: I wanted to back off cause I didn't want to get to involved I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way ok but that wasn't what I wanted to do you a good woman
Me: Oh well, being hurt is natural when you really like someone. And I guess we were on diff wavelengths because I wanted us to become more involved. If I had known that was what you wanted, I would have backed off too.
Him: I wanted to get to know you more so I could decide what I wanted but I really committed to no one.
Me: Well you had the chance to get to know me.
Him: I guess that chance is gone now.

So let me try and get this straight, he didn't want to get too involved but yet this was the guy who on the FIRST date said "even though i'm leaving in Nov, if I find that woman I wanna be with, i'm gonna make it happen. Deployment plans can change. Like i'd be able to take you with me if it was to happen." But now he doesn't want to get too involved.

Yeah and he's not committed to anyone, but don't you have to have some level of commitment to start calling someone "my baby?" I mean I don't go around calling any and every guy "baby." And I KNOW this dude had the kissing picture I saw as his wallpaper for his cell phone. When I was at his house on Tuesday, he was looking at his phone and when he was putting it down I commented to myself "wow that wallpaper looks like 2 people kissing." If only I had trusted my instinct.

What's crazy is i'm feeling really bad. I keep trying to rationalize his thinking and all i keep thinking is to give it another chance. How crazy is that? I'm fighting myself to just say "ok i'll give you another chance." UGH. I don't need someone like him in my life. Especially when I try to think back to our conversations and trying to remember what I said I wanted. All I remember is that we both agreed on what we were looking for in relationships. The only difference is that I wouldn't be having sex unless I really cared for that person. Maybe that is what he meant....I wouldn't have sex, so he went looking for someone who would.

So much for his injury. The pictures and comments were dated 2 DAYS after he had his injury. So the time he told he was too dizzy and too "out of it" to speak to me, was bs. The weekend he ignored my calls and texts was cause he was obviously with her. Grrrrrr men.

Love is patient....

So I started seeing a guy, and I really am enjoying it. I met him online, yes I know....kinda crazy. We texted before we met up, but something was telling me to just go out with him. We went out to Applebess and just had a good time. This was on Thursday (not the one that just passed, but the one before). Then on Sunday we just chilled at his house, watched Independence Day and Forrest Gump. We talked, ate some food and kissed a little lol. I was reaaaaally enjoying myself and he seemed to as well.

This past Tuesday he injured himself. He's in the army and was trying to complete a 2 week course, but pulled his grown on the first day. So he's supposedly been out of commission for the past few days. I know I shouldn't be trying to rush it, especially if he's injured but ecverytime I mentioned us trying to hang out, he avoided it. I offered to bring him food, and just be there if he needed someone, and still nothing. Ok, I get it, if you aren't feeling great you don't want people around. I'm the same way. So today I asked him if he wanted to see Alice in Wonderland, which opens next week. Another week is good enough time to heal up. He said yes, but then when I tried to establish a set date...*BAM* again he doesn't respond. Really?

I really do like this guy, and its kinda bothering me that he's so non-responsive especially after being so gung-ho about wanting us to meet up and everything. I know I should just take it slow, and not get my hopes up. Its hard when I rarely date, and when I finally do, I'm enjoying this feeling and then BOOM it seems like its gone.

Who knows, maybe i'll come back with a post that says we are doing really well and this was all just a fluke. I'm kinda hoping for that, but I'll place my trust in God. He knows what is best for me :)


Aside from that, work has been good and I got a new tattoo. I wasn't planning on it, but I went with my cousin to get her nose pierced and decided "hey I have the money, why not?" lol.



There it is. The Scripture isn't my favorite...I don't have a favorite scripture, but it one I really like, especially when it comes to love. I saw the design and decided I HAD to have it (don't ask my why, i'm not usually like that) and just added the flower and the scripture. The imperfection of it makes me <3 it soo much.


That is all I can think of.

Hasta luego amigos :)

When all looks hopeless, it probably is...

Sooooo I seriously haven't posted in this thing in like forever.

I graduated in May of '08 and STILL haven't been able to find that stable "real" job. I'm a substitute teacher right now, which i'm enjoying, but it doesn't give me a reliable schedule or steady income. I work only when there are jobs, and there are days where I don't get called AT ALL. It would be pretty good money if I worked everyday, but so far I haven't. Although I will say, I started in Oct, and I've already made MORE money working as a sub in the what? 2 months i've been working, than I did working at Cold stone and Aero (a combined 1.5 years!). Crazy.

I also haven't been able to find a full-time job yet, although I can be hired. A lot of the principals want teachers who already have experience, which I can understand, but damn how am I suppose to get that experience if no one will hire me. I reeeeeally wanted this job at Richardson Middle school as a Speech Combo teacher. I know it's middle school and i def DID NOT want to teach it, but I soooo want to do speech. Apparently I was not eligible to interview for the job, b/c I am qualified to teach HS speech, not middle school speech. WTF kind of crap is that? Shouldn't it be a good thing if i can teach HS? So they said "well you are qualified to interview for the Alternative position." HELL TO THE NO! For those who don't know, the alternative program is where all the "bad" kids go. They get caught doing something illegal, get in fights, or whatever, they get sent to alternative. Am I qualified to teach alternative? Academically, sure. But there is no way in hell i have the personality to do that. Those kids would have me cryin on the first day.

I've applied to 3/4 elementary schools before the break, and nothing. I keep forgetting to call and inquire, but shit I don't wanna hear that they already interviewed people or whatever. I'm so tired of feeling like a failure, it's ridiculous. Now I know how my brother felt when he got his degree and it took him 2 years to find a job. Damn it. And it's not like I can even look for a job outside the city like he did. Sure, if I don't wanna do teaching I can, but i'm in the stupid alternative certification program which will go on until next october. I already paid the damn money i don't wanna just drop out!

Plus i wanna move out. My mom is getting on my last nerve. I love her and all, but shit i'm 24 effing years old and she still treats me like i'm 14. If I go out with friends, I gotta hear her bitch about how I come home really late (oh wow, 2 am) and how I should be home by midnight. What the fuck ever. I don't do drugs, i'm not having sex and i barely drink, she shouldn't have anything to worry about. I just wanna move out, date and just be able to do whatever I want without her breathing down my neck.

So my life has been pretty boring lately....thus is the life of an unemployed college graduate! lol. I did pass my Generalist 4-8 test with a score of 269 (the minimum passing score is 240) so i'm hella excited about that! I can actually teach elementary school now (well if I can find a job). So I found out that I passed my test on Tuesday, and so I started getting in contact with the school I want to work at (Powell Elementary) on Wednesday. I couldn't get ahold of the principal on Wednesday, but I left my contact info. I called again Thursday and that was when the secretary told me that I would need to give my resume (although I already did that earlier) but that it didn't seem likely i'd get asked for an interview. Apparently there are a lot of displaced teachers that are looking for jobs, and they get priority status. Well about 10 minutes after speaking to the secretary, I get a call from the principal......yes displaced teachers get priority status but there has been NOONE willing to (or have the qualifications to) teach 5th grade, and me being a Generalist 4-8 is a highly favored thing! I was soo excited to hear that, he was soo estatic that I was willing to teach 4th or 5th! I think I actually might have a chance to at least get interviewed for a position at that school, which is fantastic because it's literally like 3 minutes from my house. I think I have been blessed so far regarding this whole teaching stuff. But just gotta have faith that things will fall into place and i'll have a job come August.

Other than that, nothing much has happened. The Boy situation is the same----talking to "him" from Dallas. See I met this guy and we have been talking for a few months now and lately the talking has become more serious in nature. He seems to really be seeing me as more than just a friend....well he has specifically said that to me..lol. He's mentioned he could see us married with kids, and as much as i'm flattered by that, it freaks me out a little. I do enjoy talking to him, and i'd be lieing if I say I haven't thought about us together. But i'm just not willing to commit to anything because we are far from each other. It sucks cause I could potentially lose this guy, but i'm torn. I don't know if I should try something....I mean, how would that even work? We are 9/10 hours away from each other. I've told him that I felt as if we were just friends and I know that hurt his feelings. I don't even know, so right now we are still talking and i'm just being careful what I tell him so he doesn't catch feelings. I'm so confused though, just another thing I have to commit to prayer.

Things with the parental unit is.....alright I guess. My mom had a small "tiff" over me going out with friends. See, I don't go out much with my friends----I hate being the 3rd or 5th wheel---but when I do go out I come home around 2am. Apparently that doesn't sit well with my mother, even though i'm almost 24 and am VERY responsible. She thinks i'm going to get mugged, raped, or killed if i'm alone by my car. She refuses to realize that I carpool with friends and if some crazy person is hiding at my friends house (where i leave my car) well then that is God's will or something. She thinks I should get home around 12:30/1 am. But HELLO MOTHER! If I have to leave at that time, that means I cannot carpool with friends. Which means i'm going to have to take my own car to the bar parking lot.....you know, where all the drunk weirdos hang out. How is that safer than leaving my car at my friend's house and just coming home an hour later? Seriously, I don't go out often. I think the last time I hung out with those friends was on New Years (or shortly there after). I don't like to drink that much anyways....i did all of that when I was in college in California! lol

We'll see what happens with my mom though. I have more to say but I think this entry is long enough as it is, so i'll just stop here :D Until next time....*MUAH*

California Dreamin'...

I have so much on my mind, its unbelievable and hard to put into words.

I'm so frustrated living at home, its not even funny. I don't know how my brother did it for so long, and now I see why he was always in bad mood. When I came back from California, I could barely stand to be in the same room with him and he was always getting in a bad mood. Yet, I see myself following in the same path. I get pissed off @ every little thing my parents do, every little comment they make. I don't like the person I'm turning into, I need to move away. Yet I can't move away unless I get a job. I know God will direct me to the right job, and I'm not necessarily ready for a job, BUT I am sooo ready to move out of the house it is unbelievable!!

I keep thinking about my days back in California. Its hard to believe that those 9 short months had such an impact on my life. I came into that experience weak, vulnerable and very dependent on family. After those 9 months, I came out stronger, and more independent. I experienced so many new things, did many things that I thought i'd never do. I learned things about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise learned of myself. And all those experiences have made me stronger, and made me realize I don't like the life I live in El Paso. The friends I've made in California are the best I've ever made. Its crazy to think that I miss these people more than I miss my friends of 10+ years. But these girls/guys have experienced the same things I did, they saw me at my best and the saw me at my worst, yet STILL stuck by me. That's more than I can say for many of these El Pasoans that i've known since birth (practically). The people in California know more about me than pretty much anyone I know, and I trust them whole-heartedly. Jackie, Lala, ---these people will forever be my sisters, my heart, these people I hold dearest to me. They know pretty much everything about me, everything I've done, everything i've thought of doing, and yet they still love me. They are more than I ever expected out of friends. They are God-sent--he knew what kind of people I needed by my side through those tough times, and these 2 young women exceeded my expectations. It really is unbelievable the love I have for them, even if I've only known them a short time. If my El Paso friends stopped talking to me forever, i'd be fine---I don't think i'd be that way with Jackie or Lala. If you've ever read the book Twilight---they are my Edward (except the love is more plutonic than sooo romantical). Its the way Jackie once told me "its like when I say 'i love you Vanessa' I don't mean it.....like that" haha

As much as I love my parents, I'm miserable at home. My parents went to Tucson for the weekend and left me home alone. OMG, I felt........free. I did things I've rarely/never done. I actually went to Albertsons and bought food so that I could COOK myself dinner. I got recipes that I liked and made them. I felt mature, like an adult. I straightened my hair, put on makeup and just made myself look nice, for a change. I cleaned, well kinda, my room. I just felt that ability to do whatever I wanted. I equated this feeling with an apartment and now I long for my own place. Where I could decorate it the way I want, keep it looking nice, and keep me looking nice. But until then, I long for California. For those carefree days I once had.