California Dreamin'...

I have so much on my mind, its unbelievable and hard to put into words.

I'm so frustrated living at home, its not even funny. I don't know how my brother did it for so long, and now I see why he was always in bad mood. When I came back from California, I could barely stand to be in the same room with him and he was always getting in a bad mood. Yet, I see myself following in the same path. I get pissed off @ every little thing my parents do, every little comment they make. I don't like the person I'm turning into, I need to move away. Yet I can't move away unless I get a job. I know God will direct me to the right job, and I'm not necessarily ready for a job, BUT I am sooo ready to move out of the house it is unbelievable!!

I keep thinking about my days back in California. Its hard to believe that those 9 short months had such an impact on my life. I came into that experience weak, vulnerable and very dependent on family. After those 9 months, I came out stronger, and more independent. I experienced so many new things, did many things that I thought i'd never do. I learned things about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise learned of myself. And all those experiences have made me stronger, and made me realize I don't like the life I live in El Paso. The friends I've made in California are the best I've ever made. Its crazy to think that I miss these people more than I miss my friends of 10+ years. But these girls/guys have experienced the same things I did, they saw me at my best and the saw me at my worst, yet STILL stuck by me. That's more than I can say for many of these El Pasoans that i've known since birth (practically). The people in California know more about me than pretty much anyone I know, and I trust them whole-heartedly. Jackie, Lala, ---these people will forever be my sisters, my heart, these people I hold dearest to me. They know pretty much everything about me, everything I've done, everything i've thought of doing, and yet they still love me. They are more than I ever expected out of friends. They are God-sent--he knew what kind of people I needed by my side through those tough times, and these 2 young women exceeded my expectations. It really is unbelievable the love I have for them, even if I've only known them a short time. If my El Paso friends stopped talking to me forever, i'd be fine---I don't think i'd be that way with Jackie or Lala. If you've ever read the book Twilight---they are my Edward (except the love is more plutonic than sooo romantical). Its the way Jackie once told me "its like when I say 'i love you Vanessa' I don't mean it.....like that" haha

As much as I love my parents, I'm miserable at home. My parents went to Tucson for the weekend and left me home alone. OMG, I felt........free. I did things I've rarely/never done. I actually went to Albertsons and bought food so that I could COOK myself dinner. I got recipes that I liked and made them. I felt mature, like an adult. I straightened my hair, put on makeup and just made myself look nice, for a change. I cleaned, well kinda, my room. I just felt that ability to do whatever I wanted. I equated this feeling with an apartment and now I long for my own place. Where I could decorate it the way I want, keep it looking nice, and keep me looking nice. But until then, I long for California. For those carefree days I once had.